Boy Genius is riding high on I-told-you-so at the moment. We’ve been arguing for months about whether or not anyone is interested in my riding and, apparently, he was right. People are interested in following along.

If only out of morbid curiosity.

They think I’m kidding when I talk about Wonder Pony’s allergic reaction to regular metal bits. They think it’s funny that she has to have imported German silver. I can assure you I’m not kidding. And BG doesn’t think it’s funny when we have to eat with my parents because I spent grocery money on Tempi’s massage therapist.

Again.

But because some of you were really fascinated by the idea of becoming a HOE, I thought I’d pass along some of the things my friends are buying…and, if I can get BG to go out of town again, I might be buying too.

The Equilibrium Therapy Massage Pad: Oh, yes, you read that right. It’s a massage pad for your pony. I can actually understand this one. With all the riders banging around in the saddle, this would be a great investment for your horse’s spinal health. And I do mean investment. At $450, the Equilibrium Therapy Massage Pad costs more than my car payment.

But it might be cheaper than an actual massage therapist, which Tempi has…or possibly had. There was a bit of a misunderstanding, you see. Greg wanted to say hello and Tempi wanted her butt worked on. So she, ah, tried to sit on him.

Yeah. Exactly.

Moving on.

Calf skin/Nubuck/Deer skin too old school for you? No problem. Bliss of London – Saddle Makers deal in ostrich, stingray, and crocodile and will dye the hides any color you want. For price range…well, if you have to ask, you probably can’t afford it, but I’m guessing it’s somewhere in the Kidney to Testicle Range. As in, your new saddle will most likely cost more than a kidney, but less than a testicle.

What else do we have?

Oh! If you’re looking for something a little cheaper, I can help with that too. How about a jar of Twinkle Toes – Hoof Polish? You can pick any color you like. All of them piss off George Morris. For a non-horsey reference, imagine Joan Rivers. With a toothache.

If all of this is a bit much for you, I totally understand. A lot of people like the equestrian look. They just don’t want the horse, the barn, and the labor that goes along with it. The workaround? Just nail a few helmets to your wall, put some whips by the fireplace, and hang a bridle by your door.

It’ll look totally Ralph Lauren…or like a really dirty S&M den.