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So the last time I blogged, I had jury duty. Last weekend, my house flooded. And, by the time you’re reading this, I’ll be standing in the unemployment line.
I know. I know. I get to have all the fun.
But, like herpes, I’m going to share. Below are some of my favorite interview questions and answers from this past week. Feel free to borrow.
Interviewer: Are you planning on getting pregnant?
Me: I just spent thirty minutes waiting for you in the lobby while your grandchildren screamed.
Interviewer: And that means?
Me: It means my tubes have tied themselves.
Interviewer: If we could give you any ability you don’t have, what would it be?
Me: The ability to answer stupid questions.
Interviewer: If you were an animal, what animal would you be?
Me: A rhino. You know, I’m actually serious here. There’s something very appealing about being large enough to flatten a Range Rover while the rich, white people inside scream in terror.
Interviewer: What are you worth?
Me: Hmm, you know, I never thought about it. How much do you think a passive-aggressive writer who begrudgingly cooks once a week and bleaches all clothes regardless of color is worth?
Interviewer: So do you have any plans for tonight?
Me: Are you asking me out?
Interviewer: I just thought we could get to know each other a little better.
Me: Nah, I’m busy. I have to buy doughnuts for my Young People with STDs group.
Stunning how that cooled his interest. But, probably, my favorite is the following. I interviewed with an insurance company and, I guess, he decided I wasn’t insurance material within the first few minutes because he switched into sales mode.
Interviewer: Have you ever considered giving your loved ones the gift of security?
Me: You mean, like, guns?
For the record, he meant life insurance, but whatever. It’s going to be a long road, people. Probably even longer for certain folks at the Georgia Department of Labor who are going to have to deal with me. But, with any luck, the journey won’t end with me living under an overpass, eating Fancy Feast cat food straight from the can.
I need to save some luxuries for when I’m a senior citizen, right?