Boy Genius is riding high on I-told-you-so at the moment. We’ve been arguing for months about whether or not anyone is interested in my riding and, apparently, he was right. People are interested in following along.

If only out of morbid curiosity.

They think I’m kidding when I talk about Wonder Pony’s allergic reaction to regular metal bits. They think it’s funny that she has to have imported German silver. I can assure you I’m not kidding. And BG doesn’t think it’s funny when we have to eat with my parents because I spent grocery money on Tempi’s massage therapist.

Again.

But because some of you were really fascinated by the idea of becoming a HOE, I thought I’d pass along some of the things my friends are buying…and, if I can get BG to go out of town again, I might be buying too.

The Equilibrium Therapy Massage Pad: Oh, yes, you read that right. It’s a massage pad for your pony. I can actually understand this one. With all the riders banging around in the saddle, this would be a great investment for your horse’s spinal health. And I do mean investment. At $450, the Equilibrium Therapy Massage Pad costs more than my car payment.

But it might be cheaper than an actual massage therapist, which Tempi has…or possibly had. There was a bit of a misunderstanding, you see. Greg wanted to say hello and Tempi wanted her butt worked on. So she, ah, tried to sit on him.

Yeah. Exactly.

Moving on.

Calf skin/Nubuck/Deer skin too old school for you? No problem. Bliss of London – Saddle Makers deal in ostrich, stingray, and crocodile and will dye the hides any color you want. For price range…well, if you have to ask, you probably can’t afford it, but I’m guessing it’s somewhere in the Kidney to Testicle Range. As in, your new saddle will most likely cost more than a kidney, but less than a testicle.

What else do we have?

Oh! If you’re looking for something a little cheaper, I can help with that too. How about a jar of Twinkle Toes – Hoof Polish? You can pick any color you like. All of them piss off George Morris. For a non-horsey reference, imagine Joan Rivers. With a toothache.

If all of this is a bit much for you, I totally understand. A lot of people like the equestrian look. They just don’t want the horse, the barn, and the labor that goes along with it. The workaround? Just nail a few helmets to your wall, put some whips by the fireplace, and hang a bridle by your door.

It’ll look totally Ralph Lauren…or like a really dirty S&M den.

Hi everyone, I’m blogging at Epic Reads today! Find me (haha) here:

No offense taken. I’ve never heard of you, either.

So a coworker of mine wants to enroll her kid in riding lessons and came to me for advice. Not the “where should I take little Kingston Yale,” but the “so tell me what having horses is really like!”

Usually, this elicits an awkward silence and expression that can only be described as a hemorrhoid grimace on my part. But, because my workspace is next to the office’s only bathroom and one of our project managers has either epic diarrhea or an alien crawling out of his ass, I welcomed the diversion.

Riding, I said, is like a religious calling. By signing up precious Aurora Jade, you’re enrolling her in the Holy Order of Equestrians.

1. Vow of Poverty. Self-explanatory to any horseperson, but civilians must be convinced that when four-legged income drain, Fahvenpoughkeepsie (pronounced Christopher) steps on your foot with those four-hundred dollar aluminum shoes it’s just his way of saying he loves you.
2. Life of Prayer. Riders are big into this and very open-minded. They’ll plead with any deity who may be listening to get Fahvenpoughkeepsie (pronounced Christopher) over the baby ditch, onto the trailer, or off of their foot.
3. Chastity. You cannot be one of those couples inventing new uses for the washing machine if you’re a rider.

Unless you event of course.

But you still have to be up at 4AM to feed Fahvenpoughkeepsie (pronounced Christopher) so he has the strength to stomp you again.

You should so do it, I encouraged her. Fresh air is really good for kids. Oh, your daughter’s skin is the same color as Elmer’s Glue? Uh, well, she’ll learn a new set of skills!

After all who hasn’t seen a kid shove two fingers up one nostril while waiting for her pony to do something…anything. And she’ll certainly learn to wash her hands, which is something none of my coworkers have yet to grasp.

So here’s to the new order!

http://carrotcakebandit.deviantart.com/

If I die and go to hell (which is a given if you ask my in-laws), I will probably end up spending eternity working on my dreadful second word child. Of course, “working” is a bit of a stretch when it comes to the damn thing. Shredding my fingernails while glaring at my computer screen is a better description. Word Child and I loathe each other right now.

And what’s with that anyway? How did an idea that started out all “Oh wow! I totally, totally want to write that!!” turn into “Book, I will set you ablaze. Don’t think I won’t. BG has already started the fire in the backyard.”

Heh. And people said there were no advantages to being married to an amateur arsonist.

Anyway. People also said I needed to try a different place to write. Mix it up, they said. Some of them were referring to cocktails, but I ignored that.

For a while.

Mostly, they were referring to coffee shops. The idea was every day I would get up, get dressed, and go somewhere in public to work. This might have been because by the time I reached the 150-page mark I was starting to look a bit, um, feral. I won’t go as far as to say I smelled like I’d been sprayed with liquid homeless person, but I will say that when an OCD person is left to her own devices…well…sometimes said OCD person shows up at her husband’s work still in her riding clothes…which were soaked down the back from sweat, which made her look like she’d peed herself.

I’ll give you a moment with that visual.

Done? Great. So where was I?

Oh, everyone has their personal fav coffee shop. I’m slightly jealous of this because I hate coffee almost as much as I hate Word Child 2: The Suck-ening so I don’t have a coffee shop I can lean on in my hour of need. There is no public home away from home. In addition to everyone being in favor of coffee shops, they also insisted I couldn’t just go to Starbucks or Barnes and Noble. Oh, no. It had to be a Special Coffee Shop. Somewhere people would get to know me.

For someone who spends a great amount of her life happily flying under the radar, this sounded as appealing as nailing carpet tacks to my gums. I enjoy being a number and not a face. I like the unpersonal. I do not believe that the Chick-fil-a employee truly wants me to have a “blessed day,” I think she wants me to get the hell out of there and not leave a mess behind. Similarly, I do not believe a retail employee wants to help me find the perfect outfit/makeup/shoes. She doesn’t actually care what I look like and, obviously, neither do I.

I’d be lost without the unpersonal. You need confidence to walk into places where people know you and, more importantly, know what you do.

Or, in Book 2’s case, what I’m trying to do.

To avoid this, I stick to chains that are unpersonal and soulless and promise never to greet me like they know me, and guess what? Eventually, you get recognized and the employees start to get interested. They’re curious about the sweaty, muttering writer dressed in riding clothes—except they don’t know they’re riding clothes so they think I’m just a dirt-encrusted dominatrix.

Which might be preferable to finishing Book 2.

Think of the act of branding like shopping. Yeah, got your attention didn’t I?! When shopping for clothes you have in mind what they are for. An outfit is a specific combination of pants, shoes, tops, and accessories that are suited for the occasion. Suit and tie = work, sweat pants and tee = work out, jeans and a polo = casual. Think of a brand as an outfit and the clothes are just a specific combination of logos, words, type fonts, and colors.

Much like dressing yourself, the act of branding is essentially creating an identity for yourself and your work online. It is often overlooked, most likely because most people don’t realize this is the first impression everyone on the internet will have of you. So what do you wear? In this article I’ve quickly outlined what it takes to be dressed for internet success.

1. Bottoms up

Whether it’s skirts, shorts, or jeans your pants establish the foundation for your entire outfit. It’s the one thing that everything else is built on and when building your brand it is the one thing you stand for. Think, what is at the core of your work, what do you stand for? You should be able to distill it to one thing, for example:

• Volvo = Safety
• Corona Beer = Relax
• Stephen King = Thrillers

For writers this question might be as simple as “What genre do I write in?” or “Where and when do my books take place?” Will it have the torn designer jeans of a contemporary young adult suspense? Or the elaborate lace dress of a Victorian historical romance?

Need some ideas? Take a look at Elite Daily – The Voice of Generation Y’s article: “What do you stand for?”

2. “Give a girl the right shoes, and she can conquer the world” – Marilyn Monroe

On the internet everyone is trying to get attention, there are literally thousands of other people doing things similar to you. How will you stand out from the crowd? What are you going to do to get the attention of readers, agents, publishers? You gotta get yourself the right shoes:

• Be the best
• Be different
• Be better

Dorothy’s ruby slippers = Be the best: In a world where everyone wants to wear red pumps, the glittery magical ones always reign supreme! Be the best and become the expert in what you write. The journey is difficult, but if you can do the research, have the heart, and can find the courage you will rise to the top (or at least get you back to Kansas).

Cinderella’s glass slipper = Be different: How did Prince Charming find the woman of his dreams amidst the sea of all the other eligible maidens in the kingdom? That glass slipper left him wanting more. Embrace being different, it will get you noticed and your audience will want more. Just make sure to be ready to graciously deal with all of the evil trolling stepsisters of the internet.

Michael Jordan’s Air Jordans = Be better: Just as Michael Jordan strove to become a better basketball player, Nike strove to make a better basketball shoe. Every year since 1985 they have release a limited run of Jordans, each time they are a little better: lighter, stiffer, more technologically advanced then all other shoes on the market. In order to stand out in the crowded internet stadium you need to work harder and innovate to be slightly better than everyone else. (Movies with these shoes: Space Jam and Like Mike – so now this analogy fits the others )

Looking for ways to stand out online? Take a look at this small cartoon presentation with 5 rock-solid tips on making your brand & biz stand out online:

3. Tops that rock

If clothes make the man, then the shirt must say the most. So what is your shirt saying? Is it silk shirt halfway unbuttoned to show off your hairy chest and gold chains or is your message more of a crisp white dress shirt with skinny black tie? Just like any well-branded product or service or product, you know what you’re getting when you see it. So make sure to check your top choice against the following three rules of marketing:

Peter Sterlacci’s expertly explains the above concepts with pictures of his website, business cards, and social media accounts in his blog post: “The 3 C’s of Personal Branding: Clear, Consistent & Constant”.

4. “My motto is to go wild on the accessories – the belts, the hair clips, the jewelry” – Heidi Klum

Your brand will be same outfit you where everywhere online. So how do you keep it fresh? You accessorize! Adding a watch, scarf, or jewelry can enhance any outfit. But what accessories do you choose? You need to find out what is interesting to your audience and give it to them. Knowing your audience is the key to the long term success of your brand. Again before you fully commit to that neon green fanny pack, make sure it goes with the rest of rest of your outfit – you and your audience might need to instead compromise on a nice leather messenger bag.

Knowing your target audience is sexy! Just remember you cannot be everything to everyone… The video below describes how to determine your target audience, find that niche, and bring passion to your message\brand:

5. What lies beneath – It’s not always in what you wear

Think about it.  How many emails do you send out a day?  How many emails, pictures, or jokes do you forward? Why not use this to your advantage?

In the business world a signature line is common place, a lot of us often even skip the signature line at the end of the email since it is usually just boring lines of text with contact information.  However, by simply adding links and images, the end of each of your emails becomes one of your most powerful self promotion tools.  Here is how to do it with a Gmail email account:

How to create a Gmail signature with links and images:

Before we begin we need to prepare a few things:

• Decide what you want to say in your signature line.
  • The first part is easy, your name, however you can also save yourself some time when you write emails if you insert a traditional salutation preceding your name. Such as:
    • Sincerely,
    • Truly,
    • Thanks, etc
  • After your name it should be your website address.  This should automatically turn into blue underlined text so the email receipt will know this is clickable.
  • Next add your tagline or thing you would like to promote. Since Romily’s book is not out yet, we decide to promote her publisher, the name of the book, and the expected publishing date. See her finished signature line below:

• The next line is where the magic happens.  Almost all writers participate in one or more social media sites, but people do not want to memorize a long web address.  Adding icons with links to your social media accounts is a great way to add more followers as all they have to do is click on the icon in your email.
  • You can download these social media icons from free sources online such as iconarchive.com.
  • Stick to one icon set, do not mix and match.  It will end up looking messy.
    • If possible, pick an icon set that matches your category of writing. (Contemporary writers – should use clean, shiny, modern looking icons,  Historical writers – should use retro or simple looking icons)
    • You will need to hyperlink each of the icons to your profile page.  I will discuss that later in this how-to.
• Make sure the images you want to add to your signature line are hosted on a public server.
  • So you will need to upload the images to your website, blog, or your favorite free online photo sharing site (such as Photobucket, Picasa, or Flickr). You’ll need to copy and paste the URL address for the picture into a Word file for later use. I’ve uploaded the images to Romily’s WordPress blog site, see the URL address highlighted below:

• Make sure your images are size appropriately for the bottom of an email.  Large images should be resized before you upload it.  You can do this in your photo sharing software or from your desktop (Windows Powertoy Resizer, Mac Drag-N-Scale, and others). I chose to have the icons at 48 x 48 pixels.

In your Gmail account:

• Click the Settings gear on the right hand side of the screen.
• Select Settings from the menu that appears.
• Go to the General tab.
• Scroll down to the Signature: entry area.
• Compose the signature’s text and formatting as you wish.
• Position the text cursor where you want the image to appear in your signature.
• Click Insert Image icon in the signature’s formatting toolbar.
• If you cannot see the Insert Image button in the toolbar, make sure Inserting Images is enabled.
• Enter the picture’s URL address that you copied and pasted into the Word file earlier (the URL address is from the web page, blog or image hosting service) into the Image URL box.
• Click OK.

Add links to your text:

• Click and drag to highlight the text you want to link to a website.  In this example, it is the website address we want to link to the actual website.
• Click Insert Link icon in the signature’s formatting toolbar.
• Enter the URL address of the website you want to link to into the Web Address box.
  • The text should turn blue and be underlined (on my screen it showed up purple and underlined).
• Click OK.

Add links to your pictures:

• Click the picture you want to link.  In this example, we are linking the Facebook icon to Romily’s Facebook profile page URL address.
• Click Insert Link icon in the signature’s formatting toolbar.
• Enter the URL address of the website you want to link to into the Web Address box.
• Click OK.  Repeat for the other icons.

Once back to the Signature area, review to make sure you are satisfied, then scroll to the bottom of the page and click Save Changes.  That’s it you are done!

Follow up information:

• You do not have to keep the same signature forever. You can change your signature line as you need to in order to keep it fresh and alert others to anything new and exciting you may be doing. If you open a new social media account make sure to feature that link in your signature line so others can click and find out what you are up to.
• I just outlined how to do this in Gmail, but other email clients (Outlook, Yahoo, AOL, Thunderbird, etc) are very similar once you find the setting for the signature line.
• If the above is too difficult, there is software that will do it for you.  WiseStamp is an app that does the same thing as above but makes it more user friendly.  They have free and monthly subscription packages.

Yeah, yeah, I hear you, but we’re going to do it anyway. I’m like a freaking PSA over here. This is stuff you need to know.

If only so you can encourage your friends to do it.

So. What do you do when that sweet boy with pretty eyes turns out to be a tool? You make him pay.

Now, you could go all Taylor Swift and write a song about it. Or Elin Nordegren and take a golf club to his car, but, let’s be honest, that’s not going to work for most of us.

There’s always the can of paint to his car move, but this is risky if you’re clumsy (like me) or if there are security cameras (which I would never notice). Same thing goes for keying and tire slashing. You have to think outside the box.

My personal favorite came from a friend who put her cheating boyfriend’s contact information up on Craigslist. Apparently, the calls from the girls were bad enough, but the calls from the, um, gentlemen were breathtaking. And not in a good way. He eventually had to change his number so she got extra points for inconveniencing him.

Really all of this is just a practice run for when graduate and your creepy boss decides to get handsy. I’m hoping all of you avoid the hell that is being a Personal Assistant, but, in the event that you do not, please consider the following approaches:

Does he make you pick up his dry-cleaning? This one’s for you, baby. Most dry-cleaners also do alterations. Use this to your benefit. Have his pockets sewn shut or his pants shortened by two inches. If you’re feeling particularly grumpy, see if they’ll monogram his shirts with SOB.

And, yes, this tactic takes a little planning so be sure to use that outlook calendar he’s always bitching you never fill out. Remember, it’s important to learn from constructive criticism.

Oh, and this move also works for cheating husbands/boyfriends. I’m just saying.

Moving on. Does Creepy Boss leave his office door unlocked? You live a charmed life, my friend. I’ve never been more proud than the day I hid sushi rolls in my boss’s bookshelves. By the time I popped back over the following week to pick up my check, the stench was truly horrific. Like, epically horrific. It was awesome.

So. Anyone else care to pass on some tips?

To Georgia.

In June. Pony thought she had died and gone to hell.

Fast forward six months and I was climbing onto Tempi’s back, getting tossed into the air, and eventually onto the ground where Tempi would stand over me, bug-eyed, like, “You scared me. Don’t do that anymore.” After the third dirt facial, I realized I needed to rethink my strategy. This involved a lot of swearing, sweating, and a particularly patient cowboy named Drew Olsen. He was awesome and, eventually, so was Tempi, but the whole thing really stuck with me.

Most people think horses go along with what their riders want because they have no choice, because they have given into the superior being and accepted their lot in life. After working with Tempi and two other rogue horses, I can now say this is not the case. They give in, carrying us, performing for us, giving us their selves not because they have to, but because they want to. The worst horses sense your fears and take advantage. The best sense your dreams and carry you to them.

I hate saying stuff like that. It makes me look like I never outgrew My Little Ponies and encourages people to think horses are just like unicorns, dogs, or literary characters. It’s vaguely happy clappy.

No, it is happy clappy, but that doesn’t make it any less true. I don’t think people realize the gift they’re being given when they throw a leg over their horse. I really don’t. I’ve seen too many riders swap mounts like they’re tennis rackets. It’s heartbreaking, but I figured I was in the minority. Then L called. For the past few years, she’s been riding a lovely, older gelding, transforming from a timid rider frightened to go into a paddock with other horses into a successful dressage rider.

Part of this is because she’s determined and has a good instructor. Most of it has to do with Chance giving her the gift of confidence. When she was with him, she felt like she could do anything. He gave her back her riding dreams. Now, old age is catching up with him and she’s being pressured to give him up. Her friends think he’s inconvenient. She thinks he’s wonderful.

The whole thing reminded me of how most writers struggle to publication with naysayers on almost every side. Well-meaning friends beg you to give it up after the fifth (or fiftieth) rejection. In-laws ask “So how many books have you written and you still aren’t published?”

But you don’t give it up. You slog along and there are moments where you final in a contest or get a perfect canter transition that make the whole ordeal shine—even if it’s only briefly. The moment is perfect and private and completely yours. You won’t be able to explain the gift to anyone, but you know it has incredible value. Because sometimes it isn’t what we get from writing or riding, but what writing and riding give to us.

So what’s your best-loved gift no one else understands?

In other words, it was completely me and another example about why I should never be allowed out in public. How is it possible that I am smart enough to drive a car, read through a contract, and hold down a job…yet I never considered people were going to read my stuff? Even for me, that’s pretty asinine and, when I call something asinine, you can take it to the bank. I know about this stuff.

Now where was I?

Oh, yeah. I was melting down in my cubicle because not only did said VP want to congratulate me, but he also pulled the dreaded follow-up: “So what’s the book about?”

This is never a good topic for thriller writers, but I pulled out my elevator pitch and flung it at him anyway: “Teenage hacker trying to get out of the game gets blackmailed into finding a dead classmate’s rapist.”

VP’s mouth twisted like he’d just swallowed a thumbtack. “Wow. Um, and the next one?”

Crap. Crap. Crap. Accompanying my terror sweats, there was now a rushing in my ears—a sound I could only assume was my corporate career circling the toilet.

“It’s about a serial killer.”

VP blinked, stared at me, blinked again. “Wow, I would never have guessed you were…into that stuff.”

Into that stuff? At first, I was irritated and then I realized ‘oh, wait, yeah I kinda am.’ I have a (perhaps unnatural) attachment to any form of forensic file television show and I have been known to argue the merits of various body disposal sites and methods. He may have a point, but, by now, we’re just staring at each other.

“So where do you come up with your ideas?”

This one’s easy. I grin really wide. “Mostly in staff meetings.”

‘Cause as long as you’re going to be the weird girl no one wants to talk to, you might as well be the weird girl who gets out of that weekly torture.

As always, a big HUGE thank-you to the Rubies for having me and (so I don’t feel so alone) anyone else have a coming out of the writers’ closet story they’d like to share?

I know, right? Therapists, start your billing. This should be good for at least a 5-series Beemer.

I thought the discovery was a seriously good score, like, make-yourself-feel-way-superior kind of score. I’ll be the first to admit I’d be a dreadful parent, but even I know this is not a good idea.

So, naturally, I showed everyone I could corner.

My coworkers were all, “Yeah, yeah, Rom, we get it. We’d also like to note that it’s interesting how you can’t pay attention in any staff meeting ever, but you’ve been focused on this for almost three hours.”

Clearly, my coworkers did not understand so I went to Boy Genius next. He squinted at the article. “You know,” he said after a moment. “It kind of looks like that mask your dad had.”

Well, crap. So much for feeling superior.

The mask in question was, actually, scarier than Dominic. I’m not sure where my parents found it, but they dragged it home to add to my Halloween collection. (Side note: Halloweens at our house were the best. We had dry ice for a cauldron, a Styrofoam coffin, and an entire chest full of yard-sale costumes that my sister and I never considered might be infested with lice. It was awesome.)

But back to my dad who came into the kitchen with the mask on and roared. My sister and I looked up and took off. Or, at least, I took off. Poor five-year-old Merrill had been sitting on the floor and, when she jumped up to flee, slammed her head into the bottom of an open drawer. She shrieked, jumped up again, slammed her head again, and hit the floor.

Now everyone was screaming. My dad pulled off the mask—probably expecting laughter to ensue—and the shrieking just got worse.

“You ass!” My sister screamed…or she would’ve screamed if she knew that word at the time. Even so, I still think he got the message loud and clear. My sister is an adorable, tiny, reincarnated Honey Badger—and before she leaves me a nasty comment (Hi, Little!!) let me explain that the temperament was grown entirely out of self-preservation.

Because this wasn’t the last time we, um, teased her.

There was the severed plastic arm rammed into my mother’s mini-van seat cushions, the plastic spiders on her towel…then there was the time she was watching television in the living room alone so I went outside in the dark, walked around to the living room window, and hurled myself against the glass. She almost had a heart attack.

“You ass!” Mer screamed because, by this time, she did know the word. But we were both laughing.

“I know,” I said, almost hyperventilating. “But it sure was funny.”

“Totally,” Mer agreed. And we laughed and laughed until she smacked me in the ear. “Totally,” she agreed.

Watch the video below from Stephen King’s “It”.  I assume this is how Dominic got the idea…